Welcome, my blog post which today revolves around a subject that is both sensitive and empowering - celebrating a person's life after they have died. We will look at what is unique about a Humanist Funeral and how we can take a moment to honour and remember those who have left a lasting impression on us.
Respecting the Wishes
A meaningful farewell involves paying respect to the wishes of the deceased. This may be difficult to do, particularly if the beliefs of the deceased differ from ours. Many of us growing up in Ireland will be familiar with Christian funerals where the priest or vicar will follow a set format or rite and will allow for small parts to be made personal.
Obviously, there can be no religious element to a Humanist Funeral as it is a secular ceremony This is comfortable for a lot of us as this is what we know; have always known. A Humanist funeral can feel very unconventional and can be a very brave move for a family. Humanists respect diversity and a humanist celebrant will work with the family to talk through any fears or concerns they may have. It can feel very bold as somebody’s final statement.
As a celebrant, I really try to listen to the family and those preparing the funeral so that we truly personalise every aspect of the funeral to honour their loved one’s life. By doing so, we can be confident that the final gathering becomes a beautiful tribute to the unique individual they were and a respecting of their beliefs.
Storytelling to Heal and Connect
Funerals provide a chance to say goodbye, but they are more than just that; they provide an opportunity for friends and family to gather and share stories that celebrate the one who has passed away. These stories can strengthen the bond between mourners, healing hearts and nurturing a sense of connection that extends beyond the ceremony.
For me, as a Humanist Celebrant, I start to hear these stories when I first meet with the family as we prepare for the funeral. The stories come slowly at first but often by the end of that meeting there are as many tears of laughter as there are of sadness. Here I will hear the stories that could NEVER be repeated in a funeral setting but have been so cathartic in the telling in the family kitchen. These moments inform the tone of the funeral and will shape the final, public stories and eulogy.
No Afterlife, but a True Legacy
One of the key aspects of a Humanist Funeral is that we do not accept that there is any life after death. While some might find solace in the concept of an afterlife, our perspective emphasizes the importance of the present. By acknowledging that there probably is no beyond, Humanists Funerals try to centre our thoughts on celebrating a lasting legacy in the hearts and minds of those left behind. We speak of the good works, kind words and great inspiration they gave during their lifetime and reflect on how this goodness ripples through the lives of loved ones. We focus on the memories and impact they had on their loved ones, as that is where their true influence lies.
Celebration of a Person's Life:The Funeral Ceremony
Funerals do not have to be purely sombre affairs, solely focused on the grief of the mourners. Humanists, believe in celebrating life and cherishing the memories of the departed. Instead of dwelling on the sorrow, we choose to celebrate the joy, love, and laughter that defined their unique journey.
How do we do this? We craft a ceremony that speaks about the person who has died. We tell their story in the eulogy; we play music that they loved; we read poems or passages that reflect how they saw the world; we include objects or symbols that remind us of them, and we say goodbye. The ceremony itself can be broken into several different parts:
· The Eulogy: Capturing the Heart of the Person
A person once told me that they would prefer to ‘be in the coffin than read the eulogy’. The thoughts of speaking in front of a group keeps some people from their sleep but there is usually added pressure when you are in the middle of grief or even shock and you know most of the people in the room. Having said all that, to be the one reading the eulogy for you loved one can be a huge honour. You are the one who is speaking the last public words about the deceased. It can be your final gift to the one you love.
Within a eulogy lies the power to capture the essence of a person's life. We try to reflect upon cherished memories and remarkable achievements but also try to give a window into their very person. When somebody asks me how to start a eulogy, I simply say-tell us what they were like. In these earnest words, we honour their journey and create a space for loved ones to live with their own memories for a while.
· Melodies that Echo Memories
Music has an extraordinary ability to evoke emotions and conjure memories. Selecting songs that resonate with the departed's life story provides a truly touching experience.
It may be very obvious what the song choice should be- ‘this was their Noble Call song’ or ‘they always loved this song’ but sometimes it’s not so clear. It may take a little time to shift through all the suggestions to find the one or two pieces that captures them best. At one funeral I conducted, we showed a video of the deceased singing his favourite song. It was incredibly moving.
There are no rules about what kind of music you can have at a Humanist Funeral as long as there is no religious element. Whether it is a favourite tune or a composition that reflects their spirit, music adds a powerful dimension to the funeral, making it truly special.
· Symbols: Visual Representations of a Life Well Lived
Symbols have a profound impact in communicating the essence of a person's life. Be it a photograph, a cherished object, or a piece of artwork, incorporating these symbols into the funeral helps capture the story of their journey. Asking family members to bring these symbols to the front to be placed near or on the coffin can be a lovely gentle way of involving friends and family members. It is helpful if there is a commentary on the symbols to explain the importance in the person’s life and the passions and values that defined their legacy.
· Readings: Reflections and Other Voices
In a Humanist Funeral, readings serve multiple purposes: They can beautifully weave together the tapestry of memories, emotions, and reflections of the person who has died and offer comfort and solace. The readings, if carefully chosen, can act as a catalyst for personal reflection and understanding. The right poem can offer a collective embrace to those who mourn as it teases out how the grieving can go on after the person is gone.
Laughter is not only good medicine, but it also serves as a reminder to the family of the joy that their loved one brought into their lives. A funny poem can pay homage to the loved one’s sense of humour, but it can also break the tension in a difficult moment and help everyone relax a little.
Although not every family will choose to include them, readings in a Humanist Funeral allow for another voice to join the ceremony, figuratively through the author and literally by inviting a family member to read. It adds to the richness of the service.
· Saying Goodbye: The Final Curtain
The most difficult part of the funeral service is the moment when mourners are asked to say a final goodbye. Inviting the close family and friends to tenderly touch the coffin one last time can provide solace and closure for all involved. It provides the strength for those who are united in grief and allows a shared sense of farewell.
As Humanist Celebrant, I always let people know that the ceremony is coming to an end and to expect that the curtains will close, or the coffin will be lowered. This can be a heartbreaking moment for the grieving, and it helps to be prepared. The moment symbolises the transition from the physical world to the realm of memories and legacy.
At the end of the ceremony, I try to redirect the focus slightly. I encourage the mourners to stay united, support each other and remember the good.
'Let us not say, in our grief, that he is no more, but rather be thankful, that he was.'
Conclusion
People often ask me how I manage to do Humanist Funerals. It is always difficult to see a family in such pain and hard to not be reminded in a very real way of personal losses, but I find it such a privilege to be asked to take this role for a family. They need somebody compassionate, of course, but they need somebody who will be in charge for the day. They need to be gently guided through what is possibly one of the most difficult times of their life. It is a big responsibility but a huge honour to be trusted in that role.
For me one of the hardest parts of preparing and conducting a funeral is learning so much about a person that I will never meet. The person has become real for me through the stories and sharing of the loved one. But it is not my role to be involved on this level here. My duty as a Humanist Celebrant is to help take the burden of the funeral from the family and let them grieve through it. It can be challenging but incredibly rewarding.
As more and more people are looking for a secular alternative to traditional or religious funerals, Humanist Celebrants can assure families that we will create meaningful funeral ceremonies that leave a lasting impact on those left behind and by honouring their wishes, telling their story, incorporating music, readings and symbols, we can be sure that celebrating the life of their loved one is a truly unique and memorable farewell.
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